How To Survive A

NINJA ATTACK:

When the ninjas enter try to do a ninja trick: Disguise! If possible disguise yourself as an unexpected piece of furniture. Don't hide in a closet or a Hope chest. (No hope there.) If there is something normal to hide in that will be the first place they look. If you disguise yourself as a Chez Lounge, or a Lazy Boy recliner, they won't look for you to be inside one of those. When they get tired of looking for you a weary ninja might sit on you, but don't make any noise. When they are gone, come out of hiding.

TIGER ATTACK:

Firstly, don't be in India. Or at the Zoo. This may seem a simple solution, but by not being where tigers are your chances of suviving a tiger attack improve drastically. If you do encounter a tiger somewhere be sure you don't have any bacon in your pockets or raw meat on your person. Tiger's have a really great sense of smell, and bacon is yummy. Try to confuse the tiger by picking up a stick and saying, "Come on, boy, get the stick! Get the stick!" Throw the stick as far as you can. This may confuse the tiger to go after the stick like a dog. (Who doesn't like a nice game of fetch?) If it does fool the tiger, RUN the direction opposite the stick and tiger.

PLANE CRASHING:

Well, the really easy answer is "don't fly." But that doesn't get you to Europe and Europe certainly isn't coming here anytime soon. If the plane you are on is crashing, fuck getting into crash positions with your head tucked between your legs. You are still in and attached to an aluminum death tube. Stand in the center aisle, ignore the squawking flight attendants telling you to sit down over the PA system. Look out the window. It's going to be tough to judge while descending at hundreds of miles an hour, but when it seems like you are going to impact the ground, JUMP!
The plane will be a fireball of destruction around you while you are suspended in the air for the moment the plane is striking the ground. When you land on your feet, exit thru one of the massive holes torn in the fuselage.


Legal disclaimer:Come on. Do you really think any of these ideas are going to keep you alive? Geez...