Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Frank/Jack and the Holy Box of Antioch

Back when I was in Phoenix a group of friends came up with a ritual performed at parties. Don't worry. I doesn't involve sacrificing kittens on a moonlit equinox, it was a drinking ritual. One that lasts to today when we get together, usually at a Cutthroat Christmas Party. (Steal from your friends game.)

The Box was one of those tin gift boxes you see at Christmas time with some kind of booze and maybe a flask or glasses. The booze in question was Jack Daniels. Not any kind of special Jack, not Gentleman Jack, or anything fancy, just plain old Jack Daniels. There might have been glasses, but I don't remember. The bottle was nestled in a plastic felt-like holder.

A ritual was started by Ron and Oz somehow. When the box was brought out during a party, the person holding it would hit their forehead with the box before pouring shots from the bottle. The ritual was stolen from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It was the countdown for the Holy Hand Grenade used to destroy the rabbit. If you don't know the movie, rent it.

"The number of the counting shall be 3, and 3 shall be the number of the counting. 1, 2, 5. No 3 sir." And then everyone would drink the shot of Jack. A simple ritual. It sounds kind of stupid when I write it here, but it was a bond of friendship with a group of people I don't see too often now.

Now the Frank part of this tale... When I was working a Frank Sinatra concert in Tempe AZ, I stole a half full bottle of Jack Daniels from his dressing room after the show. Actually the concert was Frank, Dean Martin, and Liza Minelli. Sammy was supposed to be on that tour but had recently died.

Well, not letting a bottle of Jack go to waste, we drank most of it. When there was a few shots left we transfered them into the bottle in the Box of Antioch. So the molecules of alcohol from Frank mixed with the bottle and transmuted it. Like water to wine in the Catholic church I guess. As each bottle got low we transfered to the next bottle. This went on for years. I don't know what happened to the Box or Frank.

Well, Ron slept with women he shouldn't have and was kicked out of the group. So the party was Oz. The party ended on April 28, 2008 when Oz had a heart attack and died. A larger than life guy with a body to match. We did the toast at the grave site for Oz with a bottle of Jack. And every year since we do the toast as a memorial at the Christmas party.

I have to miss the party this year.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Letter to Senator Kyl of AZ

Dear Senator,

By blocking the START treaty you are putting the USA in danger. This treaty has inspections that verify Russian nukes aren't missing from their stock pile. This keeps nukes out of the hands of terrorists who are trying to acquire nukes or material for dirty bombs. Are you really so intent about stopping the President that you would put the country in danger? 1500 nukes on either side is enough to blow up the planet dozens of times over. By cutting the stockpiles we gain verification that their weapons are safe.

I grew up in AZ. I'll tell all my friends and family to vote against you in your next election. You care more about politics and blocking the President than helping the country stay safe.

Sincerely, Brad Upton

Kinda cool that you can instantaneously piss off a Senator. I wonder if he will read it or if some assistant deletes it. I didn't ask for a reply.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Razors and Shaving

A razor is personal choice. What feels good on one face may not feel good on another face.

Electric or manual? one blade? 2 blades? 3 blades? 4 Blades? 5 blades? A manual with 5 blades vibrating with a small battery in the handle? A blade with another blade on the inside with 3 more blades, and each of those blades has 5 blades in an ever increasing exponential orgy of cutting the whiskers on your face! AAAAAAHHHH!

Because if one blade is good, 2 is better, which is eclipsed by 3 blades rocking the world! But 4! 4 blades has to be better because its more than 3. But wait! 5 blades in a vibrating handle wielded by a hot blond stripper! What could be better than that? (Ok, got to admit I like the stripper idea.)

I shave every 2-3 days with a Gillette Sensor Excel. It's 2 blades. But the real bitch? It's been around for a long time which makes it old. And no one wants to use what's old. Manufacturers seem to think that if something is old, no one will want it, because new is always better. I'm not Hugh Hefner when it comes to shaving. I don't need a new 23 year old every time. (Hm, strange analogy, but I think you get the point.)

I don't like the angle of the 5 bladed razors. I don't like the way it cuts the hair from my face. I always am afraid I'm going to slice large sections of my face off. And since there are 5 blades I can be much more efficient about the massacre.

Because what I like is an older shaving system, the refills are out there, but just as expensive as when the system was new. You'd think they'd discount the blades. I used to buy in bulk at Costco, but because it's old, you can't buy refills for my razor anymore. Nothing less than 3 blades.

This consumerism may be best illustrated in the toothpaste aisle. How many types of Crest do you see? How many Colgates? The whitening, anti-cavity, tar tar controlling, anti-plaque, gel with baking soda and pommegranate for sensitive teeth. Seriously, if you brush you teeth 2-3 times a day with something as simple as baking soda, you will keep your teeth clean. We've been convinced things have to be complicated and NEW.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Vegas Observations



I went to Vegas for the first time in 10 years. A friend of mine was working at Area 51 (yes, that Area 51.) and he had the weekend off so they came down to Las Vegas. We walked miles and miles and looked at people and did fun things.

DRINKING: Something about Vegas makes people drink more than they would if they were at home. The ability to buy a meter long margarita is awesome, but ultimately a bad choice. Since I have been drinking I learned where the line is. I can get to the line in the sand and not cross. People seem to forget all they learned drinking and imbibe like they are a 21 year old novice. $1 Kamikazi shots are a bad thing. Or awesome! So generally you are encouraged to drink until you puke, pass out or wake up with a Thai ladyboy. The alcohol is part of many opportunities for bad decision making...

WOMEN: If you are a moderately attractive girl or woman you can make money. This can be done in a myriad of ways. You can be a dealer in a casino. They wear things like tight uniforms, or cowgirl outfits or referee outfits. Or you can wear a bikini and dance on the bar that serves alcoholic slushies on Fremont Street. You can be a dancer in a show; fully clothed, partially clothed, topless, or nude. If you are shy you can dance nude silhouetted in a window. You can also be one of the "girls to your door in 20 minutes" advertised on the cards which are handed out by the people on the strip. Though I doubt the girl that shows up at the door is the one on the card. How does t hat work? There is a pool of hookers waiting for a call from a madame, pimp, dispatcher? They go from hotel to hotel? Strange...

GAMBLING: The casinos have lots of ways to separate you from your money. Casinos were not built by winners. The odds generally are not in your favor. I bet that if there was a casino game where the gambler won more than lost, that game is on the scrap heap within a week. The people I noticed gambling were the ones in the "High Limit" areas. Many of these were empty. There were some that had young guys around the tables. It made me wonder what they do that they can piss away money without any concern that it's MONEY. Trust fund babies? How much can they lose comfortably? Instead of losing the money to a casino, give it to me. It would be just as gone.

ELVIS: Elvis is King. Elvis is everywhere you look. Seriously. I'm a big Elvis fan, but I was amazed at his presence there. As I walked thru the Aria casino, I saw 5 bad Elvises gambling at a table. These were guys I had seen for the last 2.5 days on the streets of Vegas having their pictures taken with tourists. I wish I had brought my leather '68 Comback special suit. I could have made some cash... (Still a thought in the back of my head.) There are 4 Elvis impersonators in shows around the town. There is a Cirque Du Soliel show called Viva Elvis at the Aria. The cheap tickets were $99. At one casino they have the Big Elvis. He weighs 350-400 pounds. He had a good voice and a reverence for the King. If he had been mocking him I would have left pissed off. You don't mock Elvis.

Leg Update #3

I went to PT (physical therapy) last thursday. I got to say the waiting room for PT is kinda fucked up. Because everyone in there is injured in a long term kind of way. Which is depressing to look around at and see who is more fucked up than you are. I looked like the most healthy and hale guy there. (note to self, don't get old...)

The person doing my PT is an asian girl. I don't remember her name, but she looks like my long lost friend Julie. Without the rage issues... The exercises are not difficult. At this point I'm trying to stretch the muscle out and massaging the hematoma to make it smaller. I did find it a bit funny having an cute asian girl massaging my thigh. No happy ending though.

So I do this for a month and then we will work on building up new muscle fibers to replace the ones I tore. Yay...

Sunday, November 7, 2010

"I'm a Genius"

I heard this 10-15 times this week in the 7 hours working with this 21 year old kid. He was a nice kid but a bit of a motor mouth. I found it funny he was so adamant about the statement and it was a bit telling as to who he is. "I'm a Genius," or statements about how smart he is and how quickly he picks things up happened a lot during the day. He said he had a photographic memory, and how he could be shown something once and would be able to to the task.

Well, from what I saw on the steel, those statements were a stretch of his competency. When someone says, "I'm a fucking genius," I'm going to pay attention, see how they do whatever task. Do they do something exceptionally well? Did they innovate or do the task in a revolutionary way? Did they show me a new way to do the job I have not thought of in the years of doing said job?

Also, when someone makes that statement or tells me how smart and competent they are, it makes me think that someone at some point in their lives constantly told them they were stupid. The cry, "I'm a genius!" is from someone constantly being told they are not.

I've worked with some geniuses. None of them ever said, "I'm a genius." You could tell by how they thought, talked, and did the things they did. Other people would say they were a genius when the person was out of the room. And most everyone would nod their heads in agreement. It was that obvious.

I wanted to tell the kid this observation, but I couldn't get a word in edgewise. He never shut up long enough to listen to another person. Not the trait of a genius.

And the things he said about women made me know he was not a genius. He had no understanding of a creature that years of experience have given me no understanding of.

Friday, November 5, 2010

#1 Priority

Senator Mitch McConnell, the current and future Senate Minority Leader, stated both before and after the November 2nd election that the #1 priority of the Republican party was to ensure President Obama was a one term president.

What a fucking Douchebag.

Yeah, I'm not very civil, but this statement on the leader's part just shows without a doubt that the Republican party doesn't give a shit about the American people. They want POWER. They want failure of the President who is not of their party. Even if the President's failure means the failure of the economy, and the country. But as long as big business, big oil and wall street get to run unregulated and rampant, everything will be awesome.

Why isn't the President calling this guy out? What McConnell said has been in the media. Why isn't this a bigger story? The people that just got elected to Congress are stating that NOTHING will be done for the next 2 years. Unless the President agrees with everything they want.

Really? I thought you were there to GOVERN. It is called GOVERNMENT after all. If the name changes to Obstructionment, then you have a name for the Republican plan.

Let's roll back everything to the 1950's when everything was awesome. We had low unemployment, a chicken in every pot, the Red Scare, bomb shelters popping up all over the place because people were afraid of nuclear war.

Selective memory for America!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Leg Update #2


I went to the doctor's today to get an ultra sound on my thigh. See above.

My injury is a tear to the thigh muscle. It's about 4 cm long and 1 cm thick. The thickness is caused by the hematoma that formed when it happened. The body will have to absorb the blood that pooled there.

Remedy? Physical therapy for about 2 months. To stretch the muscle out and strengthen the muscle and rebuild what was torn. No surgery! Yay!

I think the hematoma has my chin.